5 things NOT to say to a pregnant woman (and some safer options)

As of the writing of this blog post, I am 40 weeks and one day pregnant - meaning my due date has come and gone, and yet, here I am - still very much pregnant. While I'm passing the time, I thought I'd put together a top five list of things NOT to say to the pregnant ladies in your life.

Over the last nine months I have heard every single one of these multiple times. Of course, no one is trying to be mean spirited when they say these things, but just in case the sight of a pregnant belly leaves you at a loss for words, I've also supplied some helpful alternative phrases.

You're still pregnant? You haven't had that baby yet?

• Hormonal Translation: What's wrong with you? Why haven't you had the baby yet? Don't you WANT to have the baby? 

• Safer option: You look lovely. Here, have some chocolate.

Are you sure it's not twins?

• Hormonal Translation: You look big enough to be carrying two babies. You are as big as a whale. There's no way there's only one baby in there.

• Safer option: You look lovely. Would you like some chocolate?

My sister/neighbor/cousin/postal worker (insert traumatic labor/delivery story)

• Hormonal Translation: I'm going to have a 36 hour labor and end up having to walk to the hospital barefoot in the snow uphill both ways. 

• Safer option: You look lovely. I made some cookies. They have chocolate in them. Would you like some?

You look enormous/huge/ginormous.

• Hormonal Translation: This shouldn't even require a translation. Common sense and common courtesy should make it obvious that it's never a good idea to tell a woman she looks enormous. I don't care if she's 14 months pregnant with a baby whale, it's not a good idea. Just don't do it. 

• Safer option: You look lovely. Would you like to go out for coffee this week? I think they have hot chocolate.

Old wives tales to induce labor.

• Hormonal Translation: Pass the pineapple and eggplant parmesan. I'll eat them while I'm walking down the road doing lunges. If it worked for your Great-Aunt Betty, then maybe it will work for me too. I'm feeling desperate. If you tell me that standing on my head while saying the alphabet backwards might cause labor to begin, there's a good chance you might catch me doing it. Just make sure someone is filming it, I could use the prize money from America's Funniest Home Videos. 

• Safer option: Have you heard that eating chocolate and taking a nap might help labor start? Oh, and by the way, you look lovely. 

40 weeks pregnant. Belly photo-bomb courtesy of my four-year-old.

Did you ever hear any of these things when you were pregnant? Are there any things I've forgotten? Feel free to share in a comment below :-)